NBA Scouts Salivating Over 7’1″ European Floor Sweeper – The Onion

UTENA, LITHUANIA—Agreeing that the prospect had what it took to make an immediate impact at the NBA level, scouts were reportedly salivating Thursday over a 7-foot-1-inch-tall European floor sweeper. “With his reach and wingspan, Marijus [Petrauskas] should be able to get out there and mop sweat off the floor faster than anyone else on the court,” said New York Knicks head janitorial scout Bill Feore, one of more than a dozen NBA personnel who were preparing to compete for the services of the uncommonly tall Utena Arena floor sweeper. “Usually when you get kids right out of college, it takes them some time to adjust to the faster play and significantly increased amount of sweat on an NBA court, but Marijus is already 23 and has a few years’ experience. Not only has he thrived in more collaborative, team-first custodial organizations, but he’s got a level of confidence keeping the players’ area clean and clear during games that’s well beyond his years. And as everyone knows, you simply can’t teach height. More and more, we’re seeing teams go to Europe to look for their next great floor sweeper.” At press time, the scouts were reportedly blown away after seeing the 7-foot-1 European floor sweeper pull off an astounding no-look mop pass.